Quarter-Life Crisis: Already???

So... Here I am. Sitting in front of my laptop, in my bedroom, accompanied with a cold drink that is almost ran out, in the evening. On Monday. It's 17.55 when I started to write this post. And apparently, this is the most thing I have been doing these days. I even rarely go out.

I am now in the most relaxed period of my life. Which is also the most confusing period of my life at the same time. I am 22 years old. I will be officially graduated from college with a bachelor of law degree, soon this weekend. Actually I finished my undergraduate thesis 2 months ago, and since then, all this time I only wait for my turn for graduation ceremony, or precisely, to get my academic certificate. I can only get it on the ceremony, there is no other way.

This is the period of time when all I see in the chat groups are bunch of job vacancies shared by friends (sometimes I share some as well). This is the period of time when I meet my friends, now the popular topic that talked about are job vacancies here and there, or job fairs that held here and there, or some of other friends that already accepted in this or that company.

And... Of course. With no exception, this everyone-is-looking-for-a-job situation affected me as well. Not that I also a part of that situation, nor I also go here and there looking for job like everyone else. But all I got is only the side effect of that situation, because now, I am not doing what everyone is doing... Yet. And that side effect is: confusion.

It is not that I don't know what I want to do after I graduated. I know what I want to do. I have a clear picture in my head of what I should do. When I should do those. But the problem is, the timelines. The timing. There are actually two options in my head. Option 1: preparing for scholarship application. Option 2: internship. I just don't know what I should do first. And also, in the first week of November, I have a volunteering activity in the far western part of Malang (around Malang-Blitar border).

Talking about Option 1, it is my dream to study overseas. I always wants to learn. I love learning. And as far as possible. And I want to share what I have learned with other people. It is just been a habit, especially after I joined Student Press in college. Since then, I got used to think critically, to read, to write what I know, to have group discussions with friends- from simple daily topics to giant-complicated-philosophical level topics, and to always figure out that the more I learn about something new, the more I feel that I actually know nothing. I love that environment and I always want to be in that environment. That's why, I want to take an overseas graduate scholarship and after that, I want to teach. I want to share what I have got with a lot of people, to make it useful.

Talking about Option 2, I want to have an experience. Not just a work experience, but also learning experience, live-in-another-city-by-myself experience, to-survive-by-myself experience. You know all this time I live with my parents, and I can't even drive motorcycle or car, yet, I don't have a license. So I go almost everywhere with my father. I feel dependent. I hate that. Therefore, I want a job that do not "tie" me around, a job that I can leave in less than a year, but enough to give me those experiences, and a job I can choose based on issues that I interested, so that I still can pursue my dream to study overseas. And the best choice for that is internship. I want to work and do something and get experiences after graduation, not just staying at home. I can learn english and do preparation for the scholarship immediately, but I just feel that it is not enough.

But I don't when should I start to apply for the internship. The best time is after the volunteering project done, because I don't want to abandon my intern job on Monday, especially when I am an intern who just started in- maybe three weeks (the volunteering project is held on Monday). But is November too long after the graduation? But I also worried that if I make my decision to be an intern around November, it will be take my time to prepare for the scholarship. But if I decided to prepare for the scholarship immediately, I just feel that I do not have enough to go overseas. My mental still was not built well. I live with my parents all this time, just being logic.

I just don't know what I should do first!!!!!

That's it. Two of most confusing choices of my life, because apparently my future lies on those bloody choices. And the confusion of how I should manage the timings.

Ah... Is this what they call the quarter-life crisis? Is this happened already to me?
You know, worrying and confused about the future... Stuck in the choices, between passion and urge to survive in life... Overwhelmed with what of our friends who are in the same age already do or achieve...

Yeah, my rant is over for now. For all of you, who are stuck in the same phase as me, hopefully you get to decide soon. Hopefully you can choose what you want, without worrying about the risk that you will face future, without worrying of what others would say. Hopefully all of us can be brave.


Malang,
November 19th, 2016, 18:53.

TO YOU

It's been a month since you left this city.

It's also been 10 months of that historical day, isn't it?

From the moment you told me that you will leave, until I sent you away at the train station that day, I don't really feel that we were going to be away from each other. I even discussed about this with you, about your plans and strategies in case you take that job, I even helped you pack your things. I am supporting you. That's all I was thinking about.

But now, we are physically separated. Physically though. But not our souls. Do I miss you? Of course I do. Do I want to see you again soon? Sure, you don't even need to ask. Sometimes I even break, I shed some tears, because all of these mixed feelings that I'm not able to explain and tell anybody about.

But, will I prefer you to leave your job and come back here so we will not be physically separated anymore? No, I won't.

I don't want to be a person who kill your dreams and your goals just because of my selfishness. I support you to take that job and even if you have to leave this city, because I want what's best for you. I pray for that every single day. Your dream is my dream. Your goal is my goal.

I realize this 'distance' thing will not be easy. It will take a lot of efforts. It needs an extra strong commitment between to people. It will need a lot of energy and understandings. It will drain away our brain, our feelings, and our souls. It needs extra patience. But I will do it anyway. For you, for us. For our future. I pray everyday. I pray so that all of these efforts, worth. 

So far, we always fight for each other. So far, we always find reasons to come back to each other. So far... We are together.

So... I hope you are doing great. I hope you will always take care of your health. I hope you will always be cheerful, strong, and confident no matter how hard it is there. I hope you are not sad or afraid. I hope, you know, that I will always be here for you, that I will never get bored listening to your voice and your story, that I will never get bored listening to you talking to me about how you are doing each day, that I will always wait for my phone to ring and see a text from you. I hope your family are also doing great. 

I hope we will see each other again soon!

With all my heart,

Malang, July 17th, 2016,

A person who is 866 km away from you.

WOOF!

Ah! Long time no see!

Have been so busy lately with all of the craziness. 

Now I have some spare time to take a look at this 'secret hiding closet' of mine.

Maybe will have some posts to write again soon.

I consider that I may have some changes to make with this blog.

Just about two years ago, I was just a young lost soul who found a space to pour all of the heartache and confusion, which are this blog and my tumblr.

Therefore, I was so excited in writing and blogging, and at that time, I was really really motivated to promote this blog, I even searched the way how to get my blog clicked more and viewed more by people.

But now I realize that this blog will be more valuable to me if I just share about what I really feel and what I want to share that may be help other people in some ways.

I do not need thousands of views and comments.

I do not have to write posts that people need or want to read.

I just want to blog!